I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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