Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
