Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
