dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Life is so much better after having sex.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
