It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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