I heard we made out
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
