When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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