Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
