Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
