Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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