im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
