exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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