part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
