The maid of honor just puked.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
