"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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