Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
