I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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