If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
