Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
