I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
