The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
