i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
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