they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
