Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
