I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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