I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
