So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
send nudes
from the living room?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
