i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize