Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
