Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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