Please, let me fuck your mom
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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