who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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