im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize