Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
