her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
