i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
