my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That accounts for only three of the penises
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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