It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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