Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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