She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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