We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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