Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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