Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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