Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
