if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
