Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
