Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize