I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
