I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
