he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
