Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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