I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
